Pandora's box.

It seems that I have opened Pandora's box tonight with my husband. And I feel like I really have no one to talk to here in good ole Nebraska so this entire post is going to be a big rant. If you are not in the mood to hear someone complain about something they have no power to change, don't read.

I would consider myself a pretty open-minded person. In an argument I generally try to listen to both sides. Being on a completely separate planet with my husband, spiritually, is exhausting. I'm new to it all. So when the pastor says things like "You all know the tale of ____" my husband nods while I just stand there scratching my head. We don't all know. Some of us are new at this whole spiritual-relationship thing. There are some things that us 'newbies' don't understand and I am really tired of being treated like an idiot when I am confused or when things need to be repeated or explained to me. I feel like my husband looks at me like I am an alien. There are times when I try to tell him my views on something or argue my opinions and he treats me like they absolutely do not matter. All he wants to do is repeat the same thing over and over no matter how upset or confused I have become. And I understand that he has a position directly under the pastor of our church so he feels almost obligated to agree with everything that is said, but when it comes to my husband listening to me and trying to understand my side of things, excuse me if I seem a little pissed when I know he is just blowing me off.

They are starting a new Sunday school program at our church. Apparently they are separating the classes into beginners levels, advanced levels, and expert levels. According to Mr. P, everyone starts out in the beginners course and after 26 weeks, you get to advance. And so on and so forth. I can think of several problems with this right away. I fully admit that I am not a pastor and I have no idea how to run a church. I do, however, know the viewpoint of a new Christian and why doing Sunday school this way may scare the crap out of a lot of us/make us upset or uncomfortable.
1) Starting people out in the beginner class who obviously know more than a beginner would just seems cruel. People who have more experience or a better faith are going to know a lot more of the "correct" answers. This also would not rule out, in any way, saying lots of things that some of us don't understand. I see mass confusion in my future. And as someone who is used to being considered as pretty intelligent, I must say, it's getting very old to be viewed as stupid. Even by my husband.
2) How would this not result in more cliques and more people feeling unwelcome in the church? People are going to move up with people who they have already been in class with. How would someone else be able to worm their way into a set group? If you miss more than a few Sundays, you're behind? I am just so confused by this. People already like to hold their biblical knowledge above the heads of those of us who don't have as much; won't this just make those things worse?
3) Knowing I will have to be in a class with my bible-thumping, all-knowing husband makes me want to crap my pants. I am so extremely tired of feeling like his inferior when it comes to these things. And the fact that he, and hardly anyone else at this church for that matter, could care less about leaving people who aren't all-knowing in the dust just makes me feel sick to my stomach.



On top of all of this, I was dropped a bomb of news this afternoon. This bible study is over(Don't get me started on that). Around the middle of this bible study E and M(the media director and the bible study leader) announced that they were going to be Crazy Love for the next bible study. For once I got super excited because that is a book that I have read and the subject is so interesting to me that I thought "Awesome! Something I can actually stay focused on and not just trail off with.". Well today they had a sheet out for sign-ups for the next bible study and apparently they've changed it. It is now a study on prayer. Great. Another thing that I am not good at and have absolutely no clue about. I wrote my name down, but I think I'm going to text one of them tomorrow and have them remove me from the list. I'm so sick of feeling like an idiot or a leper because I'm new to my faith. As selfish as this post may sound, I just feel like I should be encouraged instead of feeling like there is something wrong with me because I wasn't raised in a church.

Oh, Nicholas.

A day before he came to pick her up last week I had a talk with him about needing to step up as a parent. That he is putting his job and other things ahead of his time with his daughter. And of course, he blew up. But in the end, it seemed like he understood what I was saying. The next day he had the nerve to ask me if we would leave Presley here with him so she could live with him. Really? 24 hours after I told you that you're sleeping on the job, you ask us a question like that? His main reasoning that he gave me was that I would be taking her away from her families. My family, Mark's family, and even Nick's own family have been nothing but encouraging. They have all personally told me that this is a wonderful opportunity for us and that they think Presley would be better off with us than with Nick. Even his own parents. And then he had the guts to ask me what I was doing that day(a Thursday) in which I told him we were having my brother over for dinner because it was his birthday. He asked what we were doing the next day and I told him we were leaving for Nebraska. When I asked him why, he told me that he had errands to run and wanted to see if I would keep her so he could do that. Really?! If you can't even take your daughter with you to run errands, how am I supposed to trust you to be reliable enough to take care of her all the time? It just seemed ridiculous to me.

We told Nick yesterday that we accepted the job in Nebraska and that we'd be leaving with Presley after Christmas. His response? Not saying a single word. All he did was ask Presley if she was ready to go and left. I text him yesterday about Presley's sore throat and received no response once again. I text him this morning and asked him how she was and his answer "She's fine". It's so discouraging that he won't speak with me whatsoever. If he would just have one conversation with me, maybe I could tell him all of the reasons that I think Presley would be better off with us. Instead, I get the silent treatment. Literally. And we've morphed back to junior high. To him, all this is is me taking his daughter away. So I'll make my list here and hope that some day he'll be willing to talk and I'll have this ready.

• A girl should be with her mother. Coming from a split family myself, living with my mother was the best choice for me. There are things that my father could have never understood about me or known what to do as far as I was concerned because I was a female.
• He's not reliable to begin with.
  There are countless times over the last three years that he hasn't been there for her. He hasn't helped us pay half of her doctors bills like he had originally promised. Mark is the one who has taken out health insurance on her. More than 50% of the time that he is supposed to keep her he is either late, or he cancels on her or changes the plans. When she was an infant he got too drunk at a party to meet us at the hospital when I had to rush her in. There was one week that he had the entire weekend off and instead of keeping her(because he already kept her Monday and Tuesday) his girlfriend came into town and stayed with him because it was his roommates birthday and they wanted to celebrate with her. What seems like the priority there? Only three days after telling him that I didn't think it was right to introduce her to his new girlfriend, she was in town and he wanted to introduce them. It was supposed to be his day. I refused. I don't ask him to do too many things, but waiting to introduce the two of them was the one thing that I did ask and he almost immediately ignored my requests. So he told me that he would come by later in the night and pick Presley up after his girlfriend was gone. Once again, you are losing valuable time with your daughter. Where are those priorities? One week he had her for three hours before he called and asked to bring her home. Apparently his roommates dad was having bypass surgery in Dallas and he had to be there with her so she wouldn't be alone. He didn't see her again for another week. Once again, where did his priorities lie?
• He has two other children that he has yet to even meet.
  According to him, there's a chance that these twin girls could not be his so he is waiting to take a paternity test before he even meets them. His parents have met them and know without a doubt that they are his. He keeps saying that he doesn't have the money to have the paternity test taken but he has a new car and just recently bought another iPhone when his pooped out.
• Presley prefers it with us.
  Almost every time it is time for her to go with her dad, she gets upset. She always begs us not to make her go and cries. She is constantly telling us that she doesn't like her dad and she wants to stay with us all the time. Whenever he shows up and rings the doorbell or knocks on the door, she hides and we always have to coax her out of her hiding place and talk her into putting on her shoes and getting ready to go. He is normally here for at least 15 minutes while we try to get her ready to go. Even though all that's normally lacking is her to put on her shoes.
• This is what our daughter is used to.
  The most she has ever stayed with Nick is three days a week. We have her the majority of the time. We take her to church. We take her to the doctor. We purchase her medicine. We have checked into schooling options for her and dance classes. We took her to the fair this year and just do more things with her in general.
• There would be great things for her there as well as us.
  The church provides a preschool and we could have private schooling for her for free up there because we are employees of the church. There are more children there that are the same age as her than any other age group in the town.

If for no other reason, I think her saying that she'd rather live with us should be enough. All in all, we as parents, both sets, should do what makes our daughter happy and what we think is best for her and I think that is being with us. We've offered to give him whatever visitation schedule he wants before she starts school and to split the holidays with him like we've always done. We aren't moving across the sea or a million miles away.. we will be two states over. Seven hours. And we've even offered to meet him half way when he wants to keep her. I've just reached the end of my rope and I have no idea what to do.

1. Think of the last person who said I love you, do you think they meant it?
Well that was my husband so I surely hope so

2. Would you date an 18-year-old at the age you are now?
No. I'm married. And besides, I'm sure it would be difficult to find an 18 year old mature enough to not annoy me.

3. When’s the last time you were aggravated and happy at the same time?
Basically every day.

4. Would you ever smile at a stranger?
I do pretty often. It's polite.

5. Is there someone mad because you’re dating/talking to the person you are?
There are a few friends who don't like my husband and friends and family on both sides who don't like that we're married but that is our decision, not theirs.

6. Have you heard a song that reminds you of someone today?
It's 8 in the morning..

7. What exactly are you wearing right now?
My OSU t-shirt and sweat pants

8. How often do you listen to music?
Daily.

9. Do you wear jeans or sweats more?
It's about an even amount.

10. Do you think your life will change dramatically before 2012?
Before 2012? No. But I'm sure it will right after 2012 begins.

11. Are you a social or an antisocial person?
I'm pretty antisocial.

12. Have you ever kissed someone whose name begins with the letter ‘A’?
Yes.

13. What about ‘R’?
Yes

14. Can you drive a stick shift?
My dad taught me when I was l7. I have no memories of this.

15. Do you care if people talk badly about you?
Only when they're insulting my marriage, family, or parenting

16. Are you going out of town soon?
This weekend actually! We have our trial trip to Nebraska.

17. When was the last time you cried?
Yesterday. My stomach felt awful!

18. Have you ever told someone you loved them?
Yes

19. If you could change your eye color, would you?
Yes! Brown eyes are so boring

20. Is there a boy who you would do absolutely everything for?
A boy? I'm 22 years old. I believe they're considered men now. But, I would do anything for me nephews and they're boys.

21. Name something you dislike about the day you’re having.
It's too early. I am not a morning person.

22. Is it cute when guys kiss you on your forehead?
When they do it from time to time. There is such a thing as forehead over-kill.

23. Are you dating the last person you talked to?
No. She's my daughter.

24. What are you sitting on right now?
Our over sized chair.

25. Does anyone regularly (other than family) tell you they love you?
My friends from time to time.

26. Have you ever wanted someone you couldn’t have?
Yes. Seems to me everyone would answer yes to this.

27. Who was the last person you talked to before you went to bed last night?
My husband. I told him I was going to bed and helped tuck me in before returning to his Battlefield 3.

28. Do you get a lot of colds?
YES! It seems like I am always having problems with cold/allergies/sinuses

29. Where is the shirt you are wearing from?
Academy. I've had it for about 4 years.

30. Does anyone hate you?
Oh I'm sure. But I don't mind. The people who are meant to be in my life; are.

31. Do you have any empty alcohol bottles hidden somewhere in your room?
No I don't. I don't really like to drink.

32. Do you like watching scary movies?
Yes! But my husband hates it so I don't watch them very often.

33. Do you want your tongue pierced?
Nah. I'm not much a fan of piercings at the moment.

34. If you had to delete one year of your life completely, which would it be?
Probably a year of high school. I'd say sophomore.

35. Did you have a dream last night?
I always do.

36. When was the last time you told someone you loved them?
Literally ten seconds ago. I love my tot.

37. Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years?
Yes. And we will be celebrating 6 and a half years together.

38. Do you think someone has feelings for you?
I'm sure. 

39. Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?
No. Most everyone I know is sleeping.

40. Did you have a good day yesterday?
It was okay after I was completely consumed by the sickness.

41. Think back 2 months ago; were you in a relationship?
Married.

42. In the next 48 hours, will you hang out with a girl?
Does my daughter count? 

43. Has anyone told you they don’t want to ever lose you?
Yes. A few someones actually.

44. What’s the best part about school?
Learning. When you actually grasp the concept of something; it is the best feeling in the world.

45. Do you have any pictures on your Facebook?
I don't have a facebook.

46. Do you ever pass notes to your friends in school?
I did in high school.

47. Do you replay things that have happened in your head?
Constantly.

48. Were you single over the last summer?
No. I was married.

49. Is your life anything like it was two years ago?
Not at all. I'm married. I'm not a single mom. I'm not living with my parents. A LOT has changed.

50. What are you supposed to be doing right now?
Nothing. This is mommy's "wake up" time.

51. Do you hate the last guy you had a conversation with?
Nope. That would be my wonderful hubby while he was tucking me in.

52. Are you nice to everyone?
No. It's an honest answer.

53. Have you ever liked someone you didn’t expect to?
Yeas I have.

54. Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months and not cheat?
Really? Yes.

55. Are you good at hiding your feelings?
It depends on who I'm hiding them from.

56. Do you think you like someone?
I know I like my husband and our family.

57. Have you kissed someone whose name starts with a ‘J’?
Yes.

58. Do you prefer to be friends with girls or boys?
The answer to this question use to be boys because I get along with them much better. Now the answer would be girls because I have a pretty jealous husband and it's just not worth the trouble.

59. Has anyone of your friends ever seen you cry?
I'm pretty sure every single one have seen me cry at one point.

60. Do you hate anyone?
Hate? No. Dislike and hope to never see/interact with them again? You betcha.

61. How’s your heart?
Pretty wonderful.

62. Is there something that happened in your past that you hate talking about?
There are a few somethings. 

63. Have you ever cried over a guy?
We've all gone to junior high at some point, right?

64. Who is probably talking a load of crap about you right now?
There are several people that I'm sure talk mad crap about me. But, none of those people are in my life and they are not welcome.

65. Are your toenails painted pink?
Nope. Maroon and fading.

66. Will your next kiss be a mistake?
Nope. It will be a loving kiss with my husband before he heads off to work.

67. Girls love it when boyfriends cry; correct?
No. It's either seen as a sign of weakness, or it makes us feel like shit.

68. Have your pants ever fallen down in public?
My daughter pulled them down at the grocery store once when she was 2. I was humiliated.

69. Who was the last person you were on the phone with?
My mother.

70. How do you look right now?
Like absolute crap. I've only been awake for half an hour.

71. Do you have someone you can be your complete self around?
There are several people 

72. Can you commit to one person?
Well I sure hope so since I'm a married woman

73. Do you have someone of the opposite sex you can tell everything to?
My husband.

74. Have you ever felt replaced?
Yes. It is a terrible feeling.

75. Did you wake up cranky?
Every morning.

76. Are you a jealous person?
No

77. Are relationships ever worth it?
They are. And if you're serious about the relationship, you'll work your ass off.

78. Anyone you’re giving up on?
There are several people that I will gladly leave behind if we move.

79. Currently wanting to seMy huse anyone?
Umm... what?

80. Name something you have to do tomorrow?
Nothing. Hopefully my camera comes in. Tomorrow is the estimated arrival date

81. Last person you cried in front of?
My husband

82. Is there someone you will never forget?
There are several someones

83. Do you think the person you have feelings for is protective of you?
SUPER protective and just as jealous.

84. If the person you wish to be with were with you, what would you be doing right now?
He is with me right now. And he's getting dressed for work. Boo :(

85. Are you over your past?
YES! It's in the past for a reason.

86. Have you ever liked one of your best friends of the opposite sex?
I have

87. Is there anyone you can tell EVERYTHING to?
Only those that I feel won't judge what I have to say.

88. If your first true love knocked on your door with apology and presents, would you accept?
My first true love committed suicide so that would be a rather scary ordeal.

89. So, the last person you kissed just happens to arrive at your door at 3AM; do you let them in?
Yeah. And then I'd yell at him for leaving at 3am and forgetting his house key.

90. Have you ever liked someone who your friends hated?
Seems to be the popular trend with my relationships.

91. Will you be in a relationship in 2 months?
Yes.

92. Is there anyone you know with the name Michael?
I know several people with the name Michael. Friends and my brother in law

93. Have you ever kissed a Matthew?
I have not.

94. Were you in a relationship in January? How was it going?
Yes I was. January is a bit hard to remember. I was pregnant with Eli and that part of my memory I have tried to block out.

95. Were you happy with the person you liked in March?
Once again, my husband. And yes.

96. Don’t tell me lies, is the last person you texted attractive?
She's pretty.

97. Who do you have texts from?
Oh lord... Too many people. Lol

98. If the person you like says they like someone else, what would you say?
Get out of the house.

99. Have you ever kissed someone older than you?
Yes I have.

100. Who’s in your profile picture with you?
My husband.

101. Ever kissed under fireworks?
Yes I have.

102. Has anybody ever given you butterflies?
I get butterflies very easily.